Love
When you don't have it, you want it - even if you wish you didn't. I'm currently surrounded by happy, engaged, and in-love couples - even more so than is usual for around here - and I'm trying very hard not to hate them. Many of my once-single friends are in relationships and I'm still very much in single limbo.
It's really just a matter of convincing myself that I really don't care - no matter how secretly I do deep down. If I don't let myself care, I can't really feel the pain of disappointment when I am once again home alone on a weekend.
There's nothing inherently wrong with being single; it gives me a ton of freedom to make my own choices and plans. I can work in the field this summer, camping four days a week, and I can have adventures with friends and focus on schoolwork in the fall. A lot of the time I can convince myself that I like being single... that is until I'm at a movie night with friends, and they're cuddling. Curse my innate desire for closeness!
I don't hate my friends; I don't hate love; and I don't hate myself, but sometimes I struggle to shake the frustration of what seems to be a chronic condition I have. Around here, singleness is sort of looked at as a disease - I mean something must be wrong with you if no one wants you, right? I've heard singles wards described as "leper colonies," and it seems the one I'm in has a high success-rate for recovery. At this point I'm the bitter leper that doesn't get healed yet.
Don't worry, though: I don't feel bitter all the time. Someone I respect told me recently, "I know your turn is coming," mentioning all the people in the ward that have gotten engaged or started dating this semester. I hope it is coming, and that when it does, I'll know how to fit all the pieces of my life together in a satisfactory way because I want an education and to work and support myself, and I don't know how it's all supposed to fit.
The Lord was mindful of the lepers, so I know He hasn't forgotten me. I suppose I just have to wait until it's the right time to be healed.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You should move back to Colorado where being single makes you cool. I'm very single; and if you ask any of the preschoolers I work with, they'll tell you that I'm the coolest person ever.
ReplyDelete"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all
Deleteyour heart."
-- Marcus Aelius Aurelius
Well written, and a good explanation I agree with! I agree with the other person: your turn is coming, and you are a brilliant, capable, beautiful young lady! I am proud of the adult you have become! I sound like I am your mom...I must be getting old :)
ReplyDelete