A Curious Thing

Love
When you don't have it, you want it - even if you wish you didn't. I'm currently surrounded by happy, engaged, and in-love couples - even more so than is usual for around here - and I'm trying very hard not to hate them. Many of my once-single friends are in relationships and I'm still very much in single limbo.

It's really just a matter of convincing myself that I really don't care - no matter how secretly I do deep down. If I don't let myself care, I can't really feel the pain of disappointment when I am once again home alone on a weekend.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being single; it gives me a ton of freedom to make my own choices and plans. I can work in the field this summer, camping four days a week, and I can have adventures with friends and focus on schoolwork in the fall. A lot of the time I can convince myself that I like being single... that is until I'm at a movie night with friends, and they're cuddling. Curse my innate desire for closeness!

I don't hate my friends; I don't hate love; and I don't hate myself, but sometimes I struggle to shake the frustration of what seems to be a chronic condition I have. Around here, singleness is sort of looked at as a disease - I mean something must be wrong with you if no one wants you, right? I've heard singles wards described as "leper colonies," and it seems the one I'm in has a high success-rate for recovery. At this point I'm the bitter leper that doesn't get healed yet.

Don't worry, though: I don't feel bitter all the time. Someone I respect told me recently, "I know your turn is coming," mentioning all the people in the ward that have gotten engaged or started dating this semester. I hope it is coming, and that when it does, I'll know how to fit all the pieces of my life together in a satisfactory way because I want an education and to work and support myself, and I don't know how it's all supposed to fit.

The Lord was mindful of the lepers, so I know He hasn't forgotten me. I suppose I just have to wait until it's the right time to be healed.